I Want You To Want Me
Summary
Esther Perel facilitates a session with a lesbian couple struggling with a mismatch in sexual desire, where one partner identifies as asexual and the other craves physical intimacy. Perel helps them break their rigid, pressurized dynamic by reframing touch as a voluntary act of care rather than a performance of identity. Through live coaching, they practice replacing critical comments with neutral or playful responses to reduce tension. The episode explores how to maintain a loving relationship despite fundamental differences in sexual orientation and the need to separate identity from beha…
Topics discussed
Series introduction and confidentiality disclaimer
Sponsor ad and the partner's core dilemma
Defining the conflict: identity vs. behavior
History of the relationship and impact of daughter
Expectations and the struggle with intimacy
The cycle of pressure and rigid language
Therapist's strategy: structure over content
Guilt, divorce, and the desire to change
Analogy: Accommodating interests without identity loss
The daughter as a safe source of affection
The dilemma of retrenchment and pressure
Evidence of flexibility in other areas
Reframing: Choice vs. Identity change
Love languages and the value of acts of service
Removing pressure from physical touch
Family history of violence and control
Legacy of trauma and non-verbal intimacy
Sponsor ads: MIDI and Mint Mobile
Body responses to pressure and tension
Practicing non-pressure touch in session
The negative cycle: avoidance and pursuit
Agency in asexuality and internal monologue
Validating the grief of unmet needs
Monogamy as identity vs. context
Sponsor ads: Mint Mobile, HubSpot, Sustained
Identifying successful moments of connection
The impact of sarcastic comments on self-worth
Reframing sex as enjoyment rather than duty
Defining asexual and allosexual orientations
Guest expert perspective on mixed orientations
Credits and final sponsor ads
Listen ad-free on Castria